Monday, May 23, 2016

I will always wonder

Disclaimer - there is some foul language ahead, just so you know.

I woke up this morning feeling shitty.  Just an overall, not-feeling-good kinda day.  I've been having migraines again recently and a couple days ago, my back decided to flair up and ache.  I didn't want to get out of bed, and I still regret that decision.  It wasn't until I was driving to my second job in Colusa that I realized why I feel so terrible, physically and mentally.


I read a post my best friend wrote on Facebook last night.  She's always been more of a writer than I, and she's been processing her grief over losing her son by following different pages on FB.  One page gives daily writing prompts.  The prompt for today, which she posted last night, was 'I will always wonder'.  I didn't remember the prompt exactly while I was driving; the words that haunted me were, 'what if'.  That got me thinking about my own what if's.

For me, the what if's go back further than just my son's death.  It isn't usually a 'what if Rodney hadn't died' thought.  My what if's go back to my pregnancy and his birth.  What if he hadn't had birth trauma.  What if he'd been 'normal'?  What if the goddamn doctor had done HIS. FUCKING. JOB. and tested me for gestational diabetes????? What if my trust hadn't been misplaced?

My son's 16th birthday is approaching next week.  16.  That magical age when you get your first taste of freedom.  When the world suddenly opens up to you because of one small little card in your wallet and keys in your hand.

You see, I could never really entertain 'what if''s' during Rodney's life.  We were too busy trying to keep him alive to have time or energy to think about all the what if's we were missing out on.  It was a door that remained closed to me...that path of 'what if all this hadn't happened?'  Now, after his death, I'm have the privilege and luxury of reflection.  Lucky me.

So...what will I always wonder?  I will wonder what kind of 'normal' life we would have had.  Would we have gone for a second round of fertility treatments and had our daughter?  Would I have stayed a music teacher? Would we ever have had our own business?  Would Rodney have been a pain in the ass kid or a wonderful kid?


What kind of vehicle would we have got him for his 16th birthday?